How can we end rivalry relationships with other climbers and focus on building a positive relationship? How can we better deal with rivalry?

Just imagine, there is this particular climber at the gym who you always compare yourself with. She/he is roughly your size, has similar skills to you and you always fight with her/him on who sends new projects first. This endless rivalry leaves you tired and exhausted. It does not bring you joy to see her/him at the gym and whenever she/he sends something hard you feel the need to prove that you can do just the same.

Noticing a negative rivalry relationship is already a big step towards leaving such a rivalry behind. If you notice your own thought patterns, feelings and behaviors that make you feel bad, it is the first step towards changing something. A first step can be to take a paper and pencil, and start reflecting on the following questions:

• Why do I compare myself to this particular climber in a non-competitive situation? Is this comparison bringing me any new information, motivation and is this a fair comparison?

• What am I competing for in this moment (e.g. social recognition)? What am I scared of?

• Is the ressource I am fighting for really a scarce resource?

• What am I potentially missing out on because of my rivalry?

• What do I value in other climbers? How does my behaviour show what I value?

If you find it hard to answer these questions, think of the relationship with your best friend – and compare this relationship to the one where you experience rivalry. What’s the difference? 

When you have come to the conclusion that this rivalry relationship is something you want to leave behind, we encourage you to make a conscious decision to evolve this relationship. This is a decision which probably has to be made again and again because these rivalry feelings might be triggered again in specific situations. It can be beneficial to set an “anchor” that brings you out of the unnecessary competition, reminds you of your values in climbing or what you want to focus on. This can be a positive affirmation or a mantra. We talked about mindfulness and finding positive affirmations in our last blogpost on how to stop social comparison. Such mantras could be: 

• Another woman sending my project does not mean I am weak.

• I don’t need to be the strongest / the most flexible / the…  in order to enjoy my climbing.

• I value climbers who focus on connecting with other climbers, spreading joy and don’t focus on other people’s expectations.

• I am not less of a person if someone else sends my project.

• There is enough space for the both of us in climbing.

These are obvious only a few examples. We encourage you to formulate your own sentence(s) that target your answers to the questions above and help you to remind yourself of your self-worth and what you want to focus on.

Our environment matters. What can we do, when others see us as rivals – but we don’t want to engage in that?

Okay let’s say you manage to recognize the rivalry feelings coming, accepting that they are there but also with the help of a positive affirmation manage to see your own worth and focusing on yourself. From your side you don’t lean into the rivalry but are able to cheer for this other climber and maybe even are happy when they send something hard. But what if the other person does not do the same and triggers the rivalry again and again in you? 

Maybe after sending, they say something like: “Well, I just sent – now you have to show me what you got? Can you do that too?” or “This boulder was so easy” – while it is a project of yours. Or they might be showing you that they see you as a rival in a non-verbal way. People around you might also repeatedly be commenting on an occuring rivalry, on other people's performance, and hence, spread a vibe of non-stop competition.

Our environment has a huge impact on us. You might have heard that saying,

“You are the average of the 5 people you spend most of your time with”.

Think about with whom you spent your time at the gym. If the people around you constantly compare the performance of all climbers around you and encourage rivalries, it can be immensely difficult to leave this topic behind. In that case, it might be worth asking yourself whether you can somehow impact your climbing group or team to not support unnecessary competition and rivalry.

• Can you possibly talk to a coach, team member or expert about this?

• Maybe your team also has a sport psychologist to whom you can bring up this topic?

• If nothing changes for you, can you – in the worst case scenario – possibly change teams?

I know this might sound like the worst advice. But if you want to leave rivalries behind and others see no need to do so, you can’t force them to change their behaviour. And if this impacts you on such a negative level, it is likely to negatively impact your climbing and your enjoyment with climbing as well. So maybe you can try to see the opportunity within a new team to enjoy climbing again and develop without unnecessary competition.

If you are not climbing part of a fixed group, but still find yourself stuck in environments that foster rivalry, you might want to consider with whom you want to climb.

• With whom does this rivalry occur?

• Does this relationship support my climbing?

• Do I enjoy climbing with them?

If you don’t feel supported, it might be worth looking out for other climbers, who encourage each other to try new things, don’t judge if someone is having a bad day, focussing on fun in climbing,... Building strong climbing relationships in which you can communicate your thoughts and feelings also when you are experiencing jealousy and envy can feel very liberating.